Lawyer Jokes from Cooper Law LLC
An old pastor was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"
The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi, and a lawyer were debating what was the world's first professional.
The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi since the L-rd needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."
"Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized civilized place from utter chaos?"
"Yes, that may be true." replied the lawyer, "but, tell me, who do you think created the chaos?"
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer rhetorically, "did your research also show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”
The now stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off again.
“Thirdly,” the attorney, sensing the “kill,” continues, “And did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”
The now totally humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, humbly replies, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
"So...” continues the Lawyer arrogantly. “If I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.”
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. “I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are.”
Again, the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. The husband confidently says, "I want the house.”
The wife knows he has the skill to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. The speed climbs up to 60."I want the car, too," he continues. The speed increases to 65 mph.
“And," he says, "I want the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat.”
The wife now veers towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes the husband nervous, so he asks her: "Is there anything you want?"
"Not really." The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled resolved voice. "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"
The wife turns to him and, just before they slam into the wall, she says to him with a smile: "I have the airbag."
Subject: The jazz musician
Several people reach heaven.
St. Peter asks the person in the front of the line at the pearly gates, "What did you do in life?" The reply: “I was a physician,” brought a generous smile from St. Peter who said, "Very noble profession, you are welcome in heaven. Of course, there's nothing for you to do here as we have no illness of any kind, but you are most welcome in heaven. The bar on the left goes on forever, the buffet on the right goes on to eternity, and the pink fluffy looking cloud in the middle is where God hangs out. Feel free to talk to God, eat and drink as much as you like; you are welcome in heaven.”
St. Peter asks the next person, "What did you do in life?" The reply: “I was a lawyer,” brought a disgruntled look as St. Peter rolled his eyes and said, "Well, everyone is welcome in heaven. Of course, there's nothing for you to do here as we have no crime or ill will or accidents of any kind, but you are welcome in heaven. The bar on the left goes on forever, the buffet on the right goes on to eternity, and the pink fluffy looking cloud in the middle is where God hangs out. Feel free to talk to God, eat and drink as much as you like; you are welcome in heaven.”
St. Peter asks the next person, "What did you do in life?" The reply: “I was a jazz musician,” brought an excited response of delight as St Peter excitedly said, "You're going to love it here! The jam sessions go on forever! And you can play with Miles, or Trane, or Bill Evans. Duke Ellington writes a new piece for the band every day. There's plenty of solo space, no weird keys, nothing out of tune, no bad notes, no bad changes, and the time is always rock-solid - you're going to love it here!”
“OH!.... BY THE WAY....you didn't park OUT FRONT, did you? Stay away from the bar ... and the buffet table - and don't try to talk to God - he's busy. Could you come in through the loading dock?..... And do you have a sound system we could use during breaks?"
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? (Cut the rope.)
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. “If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,” replied the witness.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
(She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.)
Q. How many lawyers does it take to tile a roof?
A. It depends on how you slice them!
The following exchanges are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....getting laid.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Logical v Legal
From Joanna Broder
A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: " Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise, I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A."
Professor: "Hmm, all right. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?” The professor wracks his famous brain but just can't crack the answer. Finally, he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.
"All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir," says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A," which is neither legal nor logical."
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter scratches his chin and replies, "Well, I really don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked me that. Let me go find out.”
With that said, he walks away. The couple sat and waited . . . and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting.
While they were waiting, they began to wonder: What would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple. "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple in unison, clearly excited, giving each other and St. Peter high fives.
After the celebration died down, the couple cornered St. Peter once again. “St. Peter,” the fiancée asked. "We were just wondering whether, if things didn't work out, could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter turned red. He became livid! He slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"